


Facing His Demons

by Greekrose



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 10:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11965563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greekrose/pseuds/Greekrose
Summary: The only demons Alec can't seem to kill are his own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own The Mortal Instruments nor do I own any of its characters.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. It's just the first chapter of what will be a multi-chapter story.

If Magnus listened closely he thought he could hear Alec over the running water. But then again the sound was so faint it may well have been his imagination.

Magnus sat cross legged on his bed. Normally the oversized bed adorned with purple Egyptian cotton sheets and more than a dozen pillows in colors of gold and black and midnight blue brought peace to his overworked mind. This time however, if would take far more than Egyptian cotton to solve his problems.

The night had been just like any other. Alec and Magnus had had dinner together and afterwards had curled up in front of Magnus's enormous wood burning fireplace. Together on a deep ink green velvet couch Magnus had read aloud with Alec's head on his lap, absentmindedly brushing through the younger man's hair as he read.

As the quickly dwindling fire turned to smoking embers Magnus let his hands wander from Alec's hair and come to rest on either side of his face. Alec in turn looked up at him with those enormous blue eyes of his and Magnus couldn't help placing a gentle kiss on Alec's perfect lips.

From there things had escalated pretty quickly. It didn't take them long to find their way to the bed, it took even less time for Magnus to practically rip Alec's shirt off of him exposing his chest and chiselled abs as well as both new runes and the thin white scars of runes that had once been. Alec never one to be outdone quickly found the hem of Magnus's black fitted black leather pants. Being otherwise occupied he didn't notice the handcuffs that appeared in Magnus's had with a small burst of blue light. Magnus had then gently taken Alec's hands from his pants and raised them over his head. Alec had looked at Magnus curiously with his piercing blue eyes but Magnus silenced the unspoken question with a deep kiss. Pulling away with a smile he quickly snapped the handcuffs through the wrought iron bars of his elegant and intricate antique headboard and around Alec's wrists. There had been the briefest of moments when Alec's face went blank processing what had just happened and Magnus gave him a mischievous smile. Magnus's smile however, lasted only the smallest of moments longer than Alec's stupor.

Magnus would live many years but he didn't think he could ever live long enough to forget the look in Alec's eyes at that moment. Something snapped behind his deep blue eyes and before Magnus could even frown his younger lover was screaming and thrashing. The warlock was so shocked that it took far too many moments before he actually heard the words Alec was screaming.

"GET THEM OFF!" Finally broke through the haze of confusion swirling around Magnus's head.

Blinking Magnus finally had the presence of mind to unlock the cuffs. With a snap of his fingers the cuffs unlocked with and Alec had nearly knocked Magnus off the bed as he scrambled out from underneath the warlock and raced into the bathroom locking the door behind him.

It had not been long after locking himself in the washroom that the shower had been turned on. Magnus had been frozen in the same place Alec had left him, still trying to process what had just happened.

Over the sound of the shower Magnus thought he had heard the occasional sob, but the sound had been so short lived he could not be certain. It was another twenty minutes before Magnus herd the shower turn off.

Magnus quickly looked around the room, the midnight blue walls looked even darker now that the twilight was ending and night was finally upon him, but the room was still aglow with a warm light from the golden stars adorning the walls that had been enchanted to twinkle in the dark. Clothes belonging to both Alec and himself remained on the plush white carpet where they had been abandoned in the two men's trek to the bed.

He had always loved the view from his room, it was quite spectacular. Through an enormous window that made up an entire wall of his bedroom. His view city was like an ever changing painting, during the day it was alive with the ebb and flow of people, and at night it was alight with life. Before he had met Alec he would lay awake and watch his ever changing painting.

Magnus would always remember the first night Alec had stayed over. The warlock had looked from Alec's face peaceful in his slumber to the city beyond his walls and been shocked. The view he had once thought breathtaking was now hardly worth a second glance. With perfection quietly sleeping next to him his painting alive with life seemed …trivial.

The door of the bathroom swinging open with a small creak roused Magnus from his reverie. Alec's black hair was wet and plastered to the side of his face. For a second Alec met his boyfriend's eyes but quickly looked away, not quickly enough to hide the shame that shone through them.

Magnus just watched as Alec who was still clad only in his boxers silently crossed the room and grabbed his well-worn dark grey sweater off of the floor and pulled it over his head. As his hands emerged from the ends of his sleeves Magnus caught a glimpse of the bruises already forming where Alec had so viciously fought his restraints and felt the sour taste of guilt bubble up behind his lips.

"Alec…" What ever Magnus was planning to say was lost to him the second Alec looked at him.

Alec's normally bright eyes seemed to darken just as the sky had, filling with more emotions than Magnus could count. More than anything else though, the young shadow hunter just looked tired. Silently Alec climbed back into bed and let Magnus envelop him in his long arms the younger man's head coming to rest under the tall warlocks chin.

They stayed like that for hours. When Alec finally spoke his words were quiet and heavy with exhaustion.

"Do you still love me?" he asked and Magnus could feel Alec's warm breath on his neck.

"Always." Magnus breathed back.

When Alec had finally drifted to sleep Magnus looked at the city once more. He had seen this city rise out of nothing ness, and would probably see it crumble into oblivion one day. One thing he knew for sure was that when the last piece of this city finally crumbled into ash and was swept into the wind, his heart would still belong to Alec.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not on The mortal instruments nor do I own any of its plot lines or characters.

"Not that I don't enjoy a quiet morning," Magnus said as he poured himself another glass of orange juice, "but are we ever going to talk about this."

Across from him Alec frowned. He had been very quiet from the moment that he rolled out of bed. Though Alec had never been much of a talker, his level of silence could earn him place among Tibetan monks.

"It was nothing." Alec finally replied not quite meeting Magnus's eyes

Magnus raised an eyebrow.

"Alexander."

At the use of his full name Alec finally lifted his eyes from his untouched breakfast. He had been trying to avoid the warlocks gaze all morning. Whenever those cat like beauties he had grown to love so much locked with his own he felt as if they were peering right into his soul.

"I just don't like that sort of thing." Alec told him`

"Remind me never to read you 50 shades of grey." Magnus mumbled under his breath.

"50 shades of… what does that even mean" Alec asked him his brows furrowed in confusion.

"And you call yourself educated." Magnus retorted with a smirk, earning himself a small confused smile from his boyfriend.

Though he was not entirely sure he wanted to drop the subject he could sense that he would get nothing more out of Alec. Deciding to cut his loses Magnus let Alec change the subject. He only half listened as Alec told him of his latest exploits in the world of shadow hunting. As Alec talked Magnus was happy to see the darkness had seemed to have left his eyes, but still his smiles lacked that crinkle in corners of his eyes that marked true happiness.

Magnus had left promptly after breakfast. Normally Alec would try to convince him to stay, bat his long black eyelashes and smile but today he let the warlock leave without a fuss.

Alec went back to the shower the second the door closed behind Magnus. He sat on the floor and let the water wash over him, wishing it could wash away memories as easily as it did dirt. But memories were far more concrete than that, so real that he could almost feel them, so real he could almost smell the sweat, they far were too real.

Without really knowing why Alec grabbed a wash cloth and began to scrub, he scrubbed until his skin was raw and red, until it hurt. Of course the dull sting of his skin was nothing akin the burning pain that lurked in the darkest corners of his mind, but this new and tangible pain was one he could handle.

Alec stayed until the water ran cold, and then a little longer still. When he finally stood from the shower floor his knees cracked and stung from inactivity.

Alec shivered as the cool air hit his wet skin. He quickly grabbed his jeans and pulled them on along with a brown hoodie with a hole worn into the elbow. Alec knew he should do something, like visit Isabelle and Jace at the institute, or study demon language, but instead he found himself crawling back into the safety of Magnus's bed.

Magnus trudged up the stairs to his apartment with his spell book under one arm and a bag of Chinese food in the other. He knew very well that Alec would most likely be at the institute at this time of day but he had still gotten enough food for two.

With a spark of blue at his fingertip Magnus unlocked his door and slipped into his apartment. The warlock scanned the apartment for signs of his boyfriend and upon first glance found nothing, that was until he kicked off his knee high neon green combat boots and saw Alec's own, marginally less interesting, boots still sitting by the door.

Magnus now both curious and concerned set down his things and began to quietly search the apartment. He was going to call out for the young shadow hunter but a quiet whisper in the back of his mind told him not to.

A smile played at the corner of Magnus's lips when he found Alec asleep in his bed. Magnus had always loved to watch Alec sleep, it was for the most part the only time he saw the younger man's face free of worry and weariness.

Not wanting to disturb Alec peace Magnus slowly crept from the bedroom. The warlock now thinking of his far too empty stomach returned from the kitchen and started dig into the Chinese he had brought home. He was not even two bites in when he heard a sound that he had never in his extraordinarily long life heard before, Alec screaming.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal instruments or its characters.

Alec was already awake when Magnus dashed into the room. His screams had ceased and now he sat eerily still only his heavy breathing pierced the silence.

Magnus moved silently across the room and sat beside Alec on the bed. Alec with his head in his hands, black hair falling over his eyes did not look up. The warlock put his hand on Alec's back in what he hoped would be a comforting gesture and had to suppress a "yuck" when he felt that Alec's shirt was soaked with sweat.

"I don't suppose you've changed your position on the whole talking about it thing?" Magnus asked.

When Alec lifted his head it was with such a guarded expression that Magnus couldn't help but remember the first time he saw Alec. When he had first met Alec, the blue eyed shadow hunter had been so burdened by his secret that he had kept everyone at a distance. Magnus had thought that that those walls had been demolished, but looking at Alec now he realized just how mistaken he had been.

"It's not-"Alec begun but was quickly silenced by his cat eyed boyfriend.

"Please don't say it's nothing." Magnus pleaded, the raw sincerity in his voice shocking Alec, "Alec darling, haven't we been through enough, haven't I proven to you by now that you can trust me."

Magnus could see the struggle raging behind those stormy blue eyes, and when Alec stood and walked into the bathroom for a moment he thought he would lock the door just as he had the other night. He was more than a little surprised when Alec called from inside the bathroom.

"Well are you coming?"

Magnus knowing all too well not to push Alec just sat on the cool marble counter and silently watched his beautiful boyfriend. Alec had gone not to the shower as Magnus had expected, but instead to the large claw foot bathtub and turned the water on.

Alec turned and looked at Magnus expectantly and the warlock understanding slipped out of his black skinny jeans and bright purples silk button down top and stepped into the tub sighing as the warm water enveloped him. Magnus watched patiently as Alec turned out the lights and lit their collection of sandalwood scented candles. Magnus couldn't help but stare as Alec undressed. The soft golden glow of candlelight washed over Alec softening his looks, his countless scars seemed to fade and only the new runes were visible. It was clear that Alec was trying to speed along the process of undressing as he always did. Alec unlike Magnus, who enjoyed putting on a good strip show, never seemed quite comfortable in his own skin. Magnus who smiled as he let his eyes rake over Alec's perfect muscled body couldn't see what the shadowhunter had to be self-conscious about.

Alec sighed just as Magnus had when he slipped into the water. He settled between Magnus's legs resting his back against the warlocks' chest.

They sat like that for a while before Alec spoke.

"I trust you."

"I should hope so, seeing as we're taking a bath together." Magnus replied with a smirk.

"I just handle thing better on my own." Alec continued ignoring his boyfriend's remark altogether.

"I'm not going to force you to tell me anything but can I at least give you some advice?" Magnus asked wrapping his arms around Alec.

Alec nodded his head before leaning even further into Magnus as if to sink deeper into their embrace.

"You think you handle things better on your own because you have always had to. You never learned how to express your feelings to others, even the people you love, so now it feels unnatural and uncomfortable. You don't have to do that anymore, I'm not one of your siblings, you don't have to protect me, and I'm not going to judge you."

"There was no one." Alec spoke softly eyes damp, "Jace pretends to be ok but he is so burdened by his own past and problems that it felt wrong to go to him, and Izzy is my little sister it's my job to protect her. My parents were always reminding me I was the oldest, I was supposed to protect them, but who was protecting me. It's not right."

"No it's not right, and it's not fair, you were a child and you have every right to be upset." Magnus told him.

"Do I?" Alec said so quietly that Magnus almost didn't hear him, "I was supposed to protect them, and I left them, I left them with that psycho and now Max is gone." Alec's voice cracked on his final words.

Mangus had to hold back tear of his own and swallowed the lump rising in his chest before he spoke, "Alec, you did what you thought was right. You saved a lot of people that night, and no one could blame you for something that Sebastian did."

"I should have been there." Alec whispered not seeming to hear his boyfriends words of comfort, "Maybe I got what I deserved"

"What do you mean, got what you deserved" Magnus asked fearing the answer.

"I failed to protect them. Maybe that's why no one was there to protect me." Alec explained, his voice as cold as steel, "Maybe it was all some cosmic joke, like the universe knew I was going to fail"

"Alexander lightwood, you deserve everything this world has to offer and more. You are the most kind hearted, loving, and wonderful person I have ever had the privilege to know. You never have and never will deserve anything bad."

Alec didn't say anything more. He just cried.

Magnus tightened his arms around Alec as if he were keeping Alec from breaking apart. Alec shifted in his grip so that his head was on Magnus's shoulder, his face buried into the warlock's neck.

Even as the water turned cool Magnus held Alec. There in that cold tub with Alec's tears running down his chest into the cool bathwater he knew for certain that he would rather follow Alec into the dark the live in the light without him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal instruments nor do I own any of its plot, lines, or characters.

After the bath, Magnus hadn't gotten any more answers out of Alec. He was infuriatingly frustrated, but he would never let Alec know. Alec would automatically assume that Magnus was frustrated with him and close himself off even further. Magnus was not frustrated with Alec, though; he frustrated with the family who taught Alec how to fight and kill but never taught him that allowing himself to feel his emotions openly was not selfish or weak.

They were back on Magnus's bed again. Alec was sleeping wrapped adorably in magnums luxurious purple bead spread, his black hair splayed against the pillow. It seemed that in the past two days the amount of time Alec had spent in this bed had increased exponentially.

Magnus would normally be delighted to have lace in his bed, in fact, he made suggestive comments about it any time he got the chance. But this is not what he wanted. Alec was the one who got up before the sun to run and would try to drag Magnus with him, Magnus of course always protested and slept in, not even his glittering headband and galaxy print jogging shoes could motivate him to submit himself to that kind of torture. But now he would do anything to have Alec dragging him out of bed begging him to come for a run wearing one of his hideous grey sweaters and running shoes that looked older than Magnus himself. This Alec, the one who didn't want to leave the bed was unnerving.

Magnus' mind was working overtime the words Alec had spoken to him in the tub bouncing around his brain like a pinball.

"I failed to protect them. Maybe that's why no one was there to protect me."

Thats what he'd said. And now Magnus was laying awake picturing the horrors that his Alec might have endured. He would burn down the city outside his window if it cleansed the pain from Alec's mind and memory.

It was with thoughts of vengeance on his boyfriend's behalf that he finally fell into an uneasy sleep.

The next morning Magnus woke up to an empty bed. This was a normal occurrence, Alec often got late night or early morning demon hunting calls, but given recent developments Alec's absence left Magnus with an uneasy feeling.

Magnus slid out of bed, his silk pyjama pants with pink kisses printed on them slung low on his hips, and tip toed to the bathroom. It too was empty; Magnus didn't know weather to be concerned or relived.

His kitchen and living room, though fabulously decorated, were also empty. The entry way was devoid of disgustingly practical footwear, the final evidence that Magnus was indeed alone. Magnus stood for a moment; he'd lived for centuries on his own and enjoyed it to boot, but now the absence of Alec left him feeling a little lost.

He snapped his fingers and in a burst of blue brilliance, an authentic French crepe appeared on his large marble island along with a steaming hot cup of coffee from the mud truck. When Alec was here they often cooked, Alec had never warmed up to the idea of Magnus summoning food his delicate moral sensibility made sure of that. But Magnus supposed he might as well take advantage of his alone time, even if he was counting down the minutes till Alec appeared at his door again.

Magnus tried to lose himself in the meal, the crepes were delicious, and the coffee was making him feel the fact that he'd laid awake half the night a little less acutely. But they weren't filling the void inside of him.

It wasn't that he needed Alec to be with him at all times, despite what some people may think he was not actually a clingy boyfriend. He understood that Alec had a life, responsibilities, and a sarcastic parabati, but this was different. Knowing that Alec was hurting, knowing that Alec needed him was making him feel wished he could snap his fingers and make Alec appear the same way his breakfast had.

BANG!

Magnus jumped. The metallic bang that he knew immediately by that sound had come from his front door had reverberated through the apartment with such force that the windows shook.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

This time Magnus didn't jump, he was already on his way to the door readying his regular somewhat theatrical response

"Who dares disturb the high…"

"Oh cut the crap and open the door!" An annoyingly familiar voice called from the other side of the door.

Normally Magnus would toy with Jace a little before letting him in, but there was something in the golden boys voice that had him throwing open the door without hesitation.

Standing behind it was Jace looking surprisingly rumpled, but that wasn't what drew magnum's feline gaze. With an arm slung over his parabati's shoulder gasping for breath and staring through Magnus with unseeing blue eyes was Alec.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments. Nor do I have any claim or ownership on or of it's characters and plot.

"What happened?" the question exploded out of Magnus.

Jace was struggling to guide a gasping Alec to Magnus's couch. Magnus hovered searching his boyfriend for some sign of injury, but he couldn't find one. Alec was pale and sweaty. His crystalline eyes were unfocused, but his gear was intact, and Magnus could find no sign of blood.

"Jace!" Magnus shouted, "What is happening right now."

Despite the fact that he was in Magnus's apartment currently settling Alec on one of Magnus's couches Jace seemed surprised at Magnus's presence. I was as if Alec was the only person in the world he was aware of, and while Magnus was glad that Alec had someone like that, in this situation it was very frustrating.

"I think he's having a panic attack," Jace replied in a distracted manner. After having gotten Alec seated he'd begun rummaging in the kitchen, throwing open Magnus's cabinets until he found a cup. He filled it with water and brought it to Alec.

"Alec drink this."

Alec didn't respond, but he lifted his hand in a trance like motion to accept the cup and bring it to his lips.

Magnus was lost; he'd had no idea that Alec was prone to panic attacks. He'd it was rare to find Alec ruffled in even the most stressful of situations. But considering the last few days perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised.

Magnus knelt on the floor in front of Alec on the couch. The polished hardwood was uncomfortable on his knees, but he paid that no mind.

"Sit still Alec," Magnus told his boyfriend in the most soothing voice he could muster. Now that he knew what was happening he could help.

Alec was still struggling to breathe, but he managed to meet Magnus's eyes, he nodded, a silent consent to what Magnus was about to do.

Magnus rubbed his hands together; a blue fire sprang between them. With one last look at Alec's pale and sweaty, but still beautiful face he laid his hands on Alecs chest. The effect was immediate, Magnus could feel it, he could feel the pounding of his heart and the tightness of his chest. His hands suddenly had tremors, and his head felt fuzzy, he'd drawn the anxiety out of Alec into himself. With one final motion, Magnus brought his hands together crushing the anxiety to nothing. His body returned to normal, and he could see Alec's had too, though the younger man was starting to drift to sleep right there on the couch.

Magnus motioned for Jace to get off his couch with a flamboyant flick of his wrist. Jace, graceful as ever complied swiftly springing to his feet and backing away a few steps. Magnus leaned over Alec and pulled the multicolor afghan folded on the arm of the couch over the now sleeping Alec and placed a gentle kiss on his check.

Magnus then turned to Jace and led him into the kitchen; he had questions, a lot of them.

Magnus looked with some sadness on his now cold and ruined breakfast before snapping his fingers and making it disappear.

If Magnus hadn't been born with magic, he guessed he would have been a very messy person, but as he did have magic, his kitchen was pretty clean. The kitchen was one of the things in his apartment that he didn't frequently change. It was large and centered around a vast white and gold granite countertop, with open cabinets and a mosaic backsplash. Magnus took a seat on one of his overstuffed barstools and faced Jace, who was settling down on a stool himself.

"Does this happen often?" Magnus had gone over in him mind which questions to ask first. This one had seemed most prudent. He was suspicious that his had something to do with Alec's recent change in behavior.

Jace turned his striking gold eyes on Magnus. They were much more solemn than usual. Magnus had learned over the years if there was one thing that sobered Jace up it was Alec unhappy or unwell.

"A few years ago they started happening out of the blue, a few times a week, sometimes even multiple times in one day." Jace's voice was bitter "Izzy, and I tried to find out why but Alec always shrugged off our questions and Robert and Maryse just pretend it wasn't happening. Shadowhunters don't deal with things like panic attacks, most like to pretend we are above any sort of psychological problems."

Jace looked at Alec for a long moment before continuing.

"He hasn't had one in ages, though." Jace paused thoughtfully "Not since before we met you and Clary."

Magnus nodded, he was well practiced after many years at keeping a straight face, but his calm exterior did nothing to quell the storm growing inside of him. The more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt, he had triggered something in Alec that night with the handcuffs. As much as Alec had brushed it off he was sure now, the evidence was mounting, and all of this had started that night.

"Do you know what triggered this one?" Magnus asked, fearing the answer.

"It's weird" Jace replied thoughtfully "We got a report of a demon infestation in a subway tunnel. Me, Alec, Clary, and Izzy went, it was an easy mission it didn't take more than an hour. Alec was a bit quieter than usual, but he was fine though the whole fight. Then the girls went off to get some art supplies for Clary, and I needed a bike part out here, so I walked with Alec."

Magnus was waiting in suspense feeling that if Jace knew what caused the attack, he might finally get to the bottom of all of this.

"The whole way Alec was quiet," Jace continued "but he insisted nothing was wrong. We got here, to the front door. I was saying goodbye to him when a mundane woman tripped, she grabbed Alec's arm for balance, apologized and kept going. I didn't think anything of it until I saw Alecs face. Then I dragged him up the stairs and well...you know the rest."

That was it; Magnus had his answer. He was right the handcuff had been the trigger. Something about restraint on his arms, Magnus shuddered to think what had happened and tried to clear away the images forming in his head away.

"Magnus, are you ok?" Jace asked his gold eyes flashing in concern "you look upset."

Magnus quickly schooled his features into a calm slightly cocky expression of neutrality.

"I'm fine golden boy," Magnus drawled in his most confident voice "Why don't you get going Alec will be fine, he just needs sleep now."

Magnus didn't really believe that, but he wanted Jace to leave. When Alec woke up, he wanted it to be just to two of them. Magnus didn't think he could get the truth of what was happening to him out with his perfect parabati loitering around.

Jace looked uncertainly at his sleeping parabati.

"You sure?" it wasn't often that Jace sounded uncertain.

"Positive," Magnus told him, and began shepherding him towards the door. "go get that part for your bike."

They were at the door now, and Jace was hovering just inside the entrance seeming as if he were about to change his mind and stay.

"I'll get him to call you when he wakes up," Magnus promised as he laid a hand on Jace's chest and gently pushed him out the door.

Jace opened his mouth to protest, but Magnus closed the door before the words could leave his mouth. He chuckled a little to himself picturing the look on Jace's face.

The humor of the moment didn't last long though as he turned to look at Alec.

He felt the weight of the situation on his shoulders. He knew one thing for certain, though, he was going to fix this. He was going to fix it for Alec.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal instruments, nor do I have any claim of ownership on or of its plot.

"Magnus?"

Magnus's cat eyes snapped open, he had fallen asleep slumped over in one of his overstuffed arm chairs while keeping watch over a slumbering Alec. Alec who had apparently just woken was rubbing his tired blue eyes and pulling himself into a sitting position on the ink green couch.

"Right here Alexander," Magnus called to him.

Alec's eye found their way to him and Magnus watched as his expression shifted from confusion to embarrassment as he recalled the days events. With a heavy sigh Alec buried his head in in is hands not quite hiding the delicate shade of pink his cheeks had turned.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Alexander," Magnus assured him.

Alec lifted his head to give Magnus a long suffering look.

"I had a panic attack because a mundane woman grabbed me too tight," Alec groaned miserably.

Magnus was surprised Alec was even willing to admit he'd had a panic attack, he'd been sure the younger man would try to pass if off as nothing.

"Jace mentioned that you'd had them before," Magnus replied hoping he wasn't pushing his luck, the last thing he wanted was for Alec to shut him out again.

Alec tensed up a little at this statement, and for a terrible moment Magnus thought he'd crossed some sort of line. Alec and Jace had a special bond, one he couldn't understand, and though Alec shared almost everything with him Jace seemed to be the one topic of conversation that was sometimes off limits.

"I didn't realize he'd noticed," Alec muttered sounding troubled. "What else did he say?"

Alec sounded as if he didn't really want to know the answer, but Magnus obliged him anyways. He wouldn't lie to Alec, especially now when Alec was being so open with him.

"He said that you used to get them a few years back, but that overtime they slowly went away," Magnus answered truthfully. "He said he and Izzy wanted to help you, but you wouldn't talk about it."

"It wasn't their job to look after me, I'm the older brother," Alec said this with a small amount of pride, "It's me who should be watching out for them."

Magnus didn't altogether buy this reply however, he found it hard to believe that Alec had never confided in his siblings.

"And?" He probed.

"And…" Alec sighed with an air of defeat, "telling them what was going on would have meant telling them something I wasn't ready for anyone to know yet."

Magnus didn't have to ask to know what Alec was referring to, he'd kept his struggles with his sexuality well concealed for many years afraid of what his family, his parabati, and the clave might think. He did however have another question he wanted to ask, he just hoped Alec was ready to tell him this time.

"Alec, do you want to tell me what happened?" Magnus asked as gently as he could.

Alec didn't reply for a long moment, he chose instead to pick at the fraying edge of the god awful sweater he was wearing. Magnus watched as he pulled a long grey thread free of his sleeve and twirled it around scarred fingers, the fingers of a shadowhunter.

"Many shadowhunters spend a year in a foreign institute when they finish their basic training, sort of like the mundane practice of exchange students," Alec told Magnus and though Magnus could not see where the story was going he listened intently. "Did you know that?"

Magnus merely nodded not wanting to interrupt Alec.

"Jace and I fantasized about it for years, getting out of New York," Alec recalled these memories with fondness, a smiled showed on his pale face for the first time in too long. "I wanted to go to the Tokyo institute, Jace wanted to go to Sydney."

"Jace in Australia!" Magnus couldn't help himself, "Lord help us."

Alec actually laughed at this. Magnus couldn't help feeling pleased with himself, he prided himself on being on of the few people who could make Alexander Lightwood laugh.

"I wanted to study a new culture, and Jace wanted to sunbathe," Alec confirmed, "So we were both pretty excited when we got assigned to the Athens institute."

Magnus knew that they must be narrowing in on the point of the story, Alec's small smile had disappeared and his voice grew sour. In fact Magnus had heard Alec sound, scared, hurt, and afraid but never quite like this. Whatever emotion this story was brining up in Alec, it was one he'd never seen before.

"We were so exited, it was all we talked about to ages. I think we drove Izzy nuts," Alec reminisced but none of the excitement he spoke of was evident in his tone.

Magnus was more lost than ever, he was pretty sure Alec and Jace hadn't spent a year in Athens together, surely by know he would have heard of it, so where was this story going?

"The day before we were supposed to leave Jace and I helped Izzy clear out a nest of malvus demons, nasty little things," Alec's nose scrunched up at the memory of the demons, the shadowhunter in him rearing its head. "They're small but they have a big old stingers filled with very potent demon venom."

Magnus nodded again, he knew what they were, he'd treated more than his fair share of downworlders and shadowhunters alike who had been on the receiving end of one of those stingers. It could be treated easily enough but it took about two weeks for the venom to totally leave ones system and until then the person in question would experience extreme fatigue, nausea, and high fevers.

"Jace tried to take on too many of them at once and got a stinger right in the shoulder," Alec grimaced at the memory. "The silent brothers extracted it easily enough but it knocked Jace on his ass."

Magnus couldn't help the small smirk that he felt posses his lips, it wasn't very often that one heard tales of the great Jace Herondale being bested in battle.

"I thought the trip would be postponed for sure, but Jace convinced me to go, he said either way he'd be hold up in the infirmary for a while and that there was no sense in me being miserable too," Alec took a deep and calming breath. "So I went."

Magnus was frankly shocked, and Magnus was not an easy person to shock. Alec and Jace, though still very close, had recently started putting a little separation between themselves. As with all parabati there came a time where one or both of them would pursue romantic entanglements. Alec having Magnus and Jace having Clary meant that for the first time in their lives Jace and Alec were being pulled in slightly different directions. These days Alec going somewhere without Jace was not unheard of, but in the days before Clary and Magnus it had been (unheard of that was).

Alec smiled again, though it was a bitter one this time.

"Don't know what made me go, I really don't," Alec said though he sounded more like he was talking to himself than Magnus. "But my bags were paced and Jace promised he'd join me in a week, so I portaled to Athens, all by myself."

Though Alec was by no means old, still shy of his mid twenties, Magnus saw a much younger Alec in his minds eye, all blue eyes and wild black hair portaling across the world all on his own. The image made his heart ache a little for he knew that this story, however it ended, was not going to be happy.

"The Athens institute was everything I'd hoped, so unlike our own and yet familiar in the way only institutes can be," Alec spoke with the same irreverence all shadowhunters did when speaking of their institutes.

Magnus who had actually been to the Athens institute, though long before Alec ever walked its halls, could still recall it perfectly. In the fashion of many greek homes it was made of white stone and clay, though this building was far more ornate than the average home. The floor was made of shining mosaic tiles and the blue of the ocean was present in the institutes shuttered windows and glossy wooden doors. Magnus couldn't help but think that Alec eyes were almost the exact colour of the beautiful blue waters that boarded the greek shorelines.

"Argus and Katherine Foxwright were head of the institute then, they welcomed me with open arms, and introduced to their son, he was about my age," Alec paused and seemed to chew on the name for a moment. "Nico."

Magnus searched his memory for mention of the Foxwright family but could find none, they most have been one of the many shadowhunter families that had not risen high enough to be renown (see Herondale) or sunken low enough to be infamous (see Morgenstern).

"I got a quick tour of the institute from Argus and Katherine, they showed me where my room would be, where the training room was, where meals would he held, and then they passed me off onto their son to show me around town," Alec broke off the story for a moment and looked towards Magnus inquiringly. "Have you ever been?"

Magnus didn't know whether Alec was referring to Athens in general or just the institute, either way the answer was the same.

"Yes."

"Then you know how beautiful it is," Alec continued, "I know you've seen a lot of the world, but aside from Alicante it was my first time out of New York."

Magnus once again pictured a younger and more wide eyes Alec winding his way though the intricate greek streets soaking in the culture.

"Nico showed me all around town, he seemed more than happy to do it," Alec added thoughtfully, "I think he was lonely being the only kid in his institute."

Magnus could imagine. Shadowhunters believed shadowhunting came before all else, even their children, which meant that only children of shadowhunter parents were often left to fend for themselves when their parents were off on missions (which was always).

"He was sweet, and very funny but not like Jace or Isabelle are funny, he was unassuming, almost shy," Alec contemplated this for a moment. "It was nice to be around someone who wasn't always loud and confident, someone like…"

"Like you," Magnus finished for him, and though he had been sure Alec had been about to say 'like me' he watched as Alec flinched a little.

"Yeah, like me," Alec confirmed though he did it bitterly. "He was just like me."

Alec's words were heavy with meaning, it took Magnus a moment to catch on.

"Oh," Magnus exclaimed as he realized what his boyfriend meant.

"I didn't even realize he'd been flirting with me until he tired to kiss me," Alec recalled. "I pulled away at first, I was… god Magnus, I was so scared back then."

Magnus wanted to embrace Alec but he was out of reach and Magnus felt that any movement, no matter how small, might break whatever resolve Alec had summoned to tell this story.

"I turned to leave, and I would have but he called after me."

Magnus wondered what declaration of love this boy could have expressed after only one day of knowing Alec.

"He said, please don't tell my parents," Alec recounted his large blue eyes finding Magnus and conveying more sadness that Magnus ever wanted Alec to have to endure, he was tempted for a moment to draw it out of him the way he had done with Alec's anxiety but he knew that would be crossing a line, these were Alec's emotions to feel. "I saw in him the same fear I felt, so I took his hand and I told him I wouldn't."

Alec's unwillingness to let anyone who didn't have to suffer was one of the reasons Magnus loved him so very much. It seemed that Nico had tapped into the one part of Alec that had been stronger than his fear at the time, his compassion.

"We hung out everyday after that. We'd train and study all day, and at night we'd go into town and Nico would show me all hidden places he'd found over the years," Alec went on, "My third day in Athens he tried to kiss me again, and this time I let him."

Magus for the second time the conversation was taken by surprise, though Alec had never explicitly said it Magnus had always though he'd been Alec's first kiss.

"It was wonderful, not in the I've found my soulmate kind of way," Alec clarified looking nervously towards Magnus as though he would be jealous. "It was wonderful because it was the first kiss I actually enjoyed. Up until then I'd only had two others, both with girls and I remember comparing the way Jace talked about it to the way I felt and feeling… broken, like I couldn't love the way he could. But with Nico I finally felt that spark everyone always seemed to be talking about."

Magnus once again found himself nodding his understanding. He'd heard this before from gay men he'd dated. The fear that they would not feel about a person the way their straight friends seemed to feel about women, only to realize they had just been looking in the wrong place.

"On my fifth day there I got a message from Jace that he would be coming in two days and I panicked, I had almost forgotten he was coming," Alec let out a bitter bark of a laugh. "I think that was the first time I ever overlooked Jace."

Magnus thought that even years later that Jace wouldn't enjoy hearing that his parabati had stopped thinking about him, if only for a few days. Jace seemed like the type of person who liked to know that people were thinking about him.

"When Nico and I went out that night, I told him Jace was coming, and that I couldn't do this anymore," Alec sighed. "I'm sure I could have handled it better, Nico was very upset…"

Alec's guilt was evident even all these years later.

"No one navigates their first romance well Alexander," Magnus said in an attempt at comfort, which failed spectacularity.

"It wasn't a romance," Alec shot back suddenly with a ferocity that took Magnus off guard before seeming to catch himself and with some effort collect himself once more, "Nico tried to persuade me to continue the way things had been, after all we were hiding from his parents too, but Jace was a different matter, he would have been suspicious if I ditched him every night to hang out with Nico alone. He fought me for a while but eventually he agreed to end things and he promised not to tell Jace."

Magnus could tell Alec was growing increasingly uncomfortable, which made him think they were arriving at the part of the story that mattered to Alec the most. Alec's fingers had once again found his fraying sleeve and were picking an existing hole that he sometimes stuck his thumb through.

"I had terrible nightmares that night, I dreamt that Nico told Jace everything and that Jace didn't want to be my parabati anymore. In the dream he would say horrible things to me, all the things I had though about myself for so long and when I went to argue I couldn't speak," Alec seemed haunted by this, so much so that Magnus wonder for a moment if Nico had outed him after all, before remembering that when Magnus had first met Alec, Jace hadn't known. "When I woke up there was a moment I thought I was still dreaming… I couldn't speak, just like in the dream."

An icy hand took hold of Magnus's heart as the direction of the story became clear.

"It was a rune, quietude," Alec clarified though Magnus knew which one it had to be, "The crazy thing is I realized I couldn't talk before I realized my hands were tied."

Magnus smelt burning fabric and realized blue flames were cracking between his fingers as they gripped the arms of his chair, it took a herculean effort to smoulder the flames.

"Nico was sitting on the end of my bed, I knew I was in trouble but all I could think was how different he looked, he had seemed so shy before but that was all gone," Alec shuddered a little, "When he saw I was awake he crawled forward so he was over me and he whispered…"

Alec swallowed, he seemed to be having trouble getting the words out. Magnus couldn't bring himself to ask Alec what Nico had said, he'd wanted to know so badly what had been bothering Alec but now, in perhaps the most selfish moment he'd ever had, he didn't want to know.

"He said I won't tell if you don't, and then he licked the side of my face," Alec looked nauseous now, Magnus knew how he felt, "I was frozen, I just, it was like I couldn't process what was happening, I couldn't believe this was the same boy that made me laugh in the village market."

Nico Foxwright, Nico Foxwright, Nico Foxwright, Magnus committed the name to memory so he would know who he had to find and destroy later.

"He put his hands on my chest first, opened my shirt, licked me some more," Alec was paler than Magnus had ever seen him before, it was frankly startling. "And then he moved lower, I couldn't watch I closed my eyes but I still felt him slip his hand down my pyjama pants, he was… enjoying himself."

Once again Magnus didn't need clarification on Alec's words, though he wished there were another meaning, some other explanation that meant Alec hadn't gone through one of the most horrible and heinous things a human being could be subjected to.

"He took his hand out of my pyjamas and for a moment I was so relieved, I though he was stopping. That was when I felt him start to pull my pants down, he said he wondered if it would taste as good as my face did," Alec seemed to have finally passed to a place without emotions, his voice flat, and missing the warmth that Magnus so loved. "That was when I snapped, I started kicking and trashing and pulling on ropes that he'd tired up my wrists with."

Magnus felt sick at the mention of Alec's wrists being bound. He couldn't help but flashback to the moment he'd playfully slapped handcuffs on Alec's wrists, and the look he'd seen on Alec's face right after. Magnus felt actual bile rise in his throat when he remembered that Alec had been just a teenager at the time of this story.

"He started to panic, he'd silenced my voice with quietude but I was slamming the headboard into the wall, making as much noise as I could," Alec told Magnus, "I kept telling me to be still and be quiet, when I didn't stop he picked up the lamp from the nightstand and used the base to knock me out."

Whatever hope Magnus held that this story ended with Alec breaking free and beating Nico Foxwright to a bloody pulp died.

"When I woke up I was untied, quietude had faded, and I had a new iratze, I never knew if he…" Alec seemed unable to produce the horrible word for the horrible deed. "He might have just left after he knocked me out, after all he'd waited for me to wake up before he started."

Alec seemed to be having a conversation with himself that he'd had many times before, the back and forth, had he or hadn't he?

"I packed my bags that morning and found Katherine in the library. I told her my parabati had taken a turn for the worse and I needed to get home immediately, she didn't question it, most shadowhunters would never lie about their parabati being in danger," Alec seemed a little guilty at this omission, Magnus would never fully understand all the unwritten rules that surrounded parabati's. "An hour later I was back in New York, I remember before I left Katherine lamented the fact that Nico had gone fishing that morning and would not be able to say goodbye, after all we had gotten so close."

The bitterness of Alec's final words hung in the air between them. Magnus waited for Alec to continue but his tale seemed to be at it miserable end.

"What did you tell Jace?" Magnus asked before he could stop himself, he just couldn't fathom how Jace had not connected Alec's stay in Athens to the panic attacks that had started shortly after.

"I told him Izzy had written me and begged me to come back. I said that she told me that with me in Greece and him laid up in the infirmary that she already felt alone, and that she didn't know if she could stand a whole year of it," Alec cracked an unamused smile. "It was a pretty clever lie if I do say so myself. Jace would never ask Izzy about it, he wouldn't want to make her feel bad."

"And Izzy, your parents?" Magnus asked shocked that no one in Alec's life had noticed when this horrible thing had happened to him.

"I told them all that I didn't like it, I missed Izzy and Max too much, and that the Library in the Athens institute was so understocked I was worried my studies would suffer," The humourless smile was still on Alec's face. "No one argued with me, I think my parents were glad I was back so they wouldn't have to watch over Izzy and Max themselves, and wether or not Izzy actually asked me to come back, I knew she was happy, she would've hated a year alone in New York while Jace and I had adventures in Greece."

"Alexander," Magnus stared, he searched the depths of his considerable wisdom for something to say that would make all this better but came up short. "I am so sorry."

Alec met Magnus's eyes and Magnus finally felt safe in moving. He crossed the distance between them in two long strides and pulled Alec into his arms, horrible sweater and all. At the moment of their embrace Alec finally broke down, whatever wall had been holding back his emotions crumbled and the rushed forward like a title wave. Magnus could feel the fabric of his shirt damped as Alec's shoulders shook.

"I didn't know," Alec chocked out after a while.

"Of course not, people like that hide their true intentions very well," Magnus from personal experience, not even his impressive life span had taught him how to spot the true psychopaths.

"No, that's not what I meant," Alec shook his head. "I didn't know how good it would feel to tell someone."


End file.
